Getting Along with Roommates
I have super cheap rent. My roommates generally go to bed around the same time I do, get up at the same time I do, so keeping each other awake is usually not an issue. They perform the all-important function of letting my dog out to pee and feeding her when I have to work late. But I keep running into little conflicts with them that leave me feeling like I must move immediately.
I'm writing this out since I've been going to a therapist a couple times a month (small conflicts with people at work make me super stressed out too.) My therapist is of the opinion that these kinds of conflicts will follow, no matter who I live with, and that I need to practice working them out. She especially thinks that since I'm not great friends with my roommates, this is a good place to try out new strategies, since I will move out soonish anyway, so what is there to lose?
So, here is an example of how I get completely thrown into a state of get-me-out-of-here.
Disclaimer: This conflict is tiny and insignificant, I know. But these small conflicts can pop up all the time with people you live or work with. Have enough of them, and they start to have a longer-lasting effect. Some of the people you have conflicts with might respond like I do, and this may give you some insight as to why. Some of YOU may feel the same way about these little issues as I do, and maybe someone has a good comment to share on how to deal with this better.
I tend to think things over for awhile before deciding if it's worth saying something about. For awhile now, my roommates have been putting the dishwasher or washing machine on right as I am going to shower at bedtime, and then I need to wait an hour plus to get in the shower and go to bed.
So tonight, I stopped in the living room where they were playing video games and said:
"Hey, do you think we could start trying to have you guys ask me if I'm about to shower before putting the dishwasher/washing machine on?"
Roommate 1: "But we don't know when you will get home and shower. Sometimes you get home past 11. We don't want to wait until you get home to ask you."
I start feeling a little attacked - I got home after 11 three times in the last two weeks, but prior to this it has never been that late. To me, she's saying they can't be courteous because I worked late a couple of times.
Me: "Okay, fine"
And I start to walk out of the room, because I've decided ze is not interested in trying this solution.
Roommate: "You get too defensive."
Me: "Yes, well, sorry. I do get defensive. I guess because I am home now and was home when you turned it on."
Roommate: "We can't turn it on at 7:30 and know you'll be home at 7:45 and want to shower then."
To me it seems obvious what I want - if I'm home at 7:00, and you go to put it on at 7:30, just check with me first to see if I'm on my way in. If I'm not home, you can't do that, so just put it on.
From my roommate, I'm getting the impression that ze is immediately deciding NO NO NO, and I don't want to have to lay out the logic for zir. I don't want to debate it if ze cannot be considerate.
Roommate 2 wants to keep the peace, as usual. Ze points out that they won't be bothered if I turn said appliance off, shower, then turn it back on. I wasn't aware it was okay to do this, especially with washing machine.
I decide I can just do that, that's a fine solution, but I can't bring myself to stop being awkward towards Roommate 1, due to our near argument. So I head off into my room without saying anything more to Roommate 1, get my towel, turn off the dishwasher and shower.
Handling Conflict
I admit, I'm not the best at handling conflict. But does it seem to anyone else like I am not the only defensive one here? Roommate 2 had a solution everyone could live with. But Roommate 1 immediately jumped to why this was NOT POSSIBLE without putting any thought into it.
How would you approach a discussion with someone like this?
My therapist suggested the following formula, so I will probably get in trouble next session for not trying it out, but I didn't realize that this little conversation would turn into one of our conflicts:
Say what you see/do:
When I try to shower, and see that the dishwasher or washing machine is on...
Say what you feel:
I feel frustrated
Say a concrete reason why:
Because I have to wait an hour to be able to shower.
Suggest what you could try to fix this:
Could we try having whoever wants to use the washer check with me to see if I'm about to shower?
In this interaction, I skipped right to the last step, which I think I do a lot because I assume that the first 3 points are universally understood. I just don't see how phrasing this differently would have made Roommate 1 less negative in zir reaction! I can only imagine that using the long, thought out formula, would make this seem like an even bigger deal.
Does anyone who feels confident in situations like this find that they use a version of the above formula? Or is this too forced?
Recovering from conflict
I probably made the wrong move leaving pretty quickly directly after the discussion. I probably showed how upset I still was about the conflict (in that moment.) As I walked by to shower, I tried to look not-upset, since the issue is essentially resolved. (What I'm upset about is the conflict, and the pattern of Roommate 1 acting like it's too hard to compromise with anyone.)
I end up feeling like this affects our relationship for days. It makes me hate Roommate 1 a little bit, albeit briefly. But every new conflict adds to the barrier between us being able to be friendly, if not actual friends. Partly because the more this happens, the less interested I am in being friendly with zir.
Moving On
So, the *real* issue, being able to shower, is resolved. Should I forget that I caused a small argument to get this? Can I continue to put up with small issues like this turning into a conflict, or do they build up too much tension over time? I could chicken out, and just ask Roommate 2 before bringing it up to Roommate 1, and see if Roommate 2 has a solution. (Roommate 2 doesn't seem to be bothered by either of us, but really wants to have us getting along.) Going to Roommate 2 with every complaint seems to put unfair pressure on zir.
Should I move and try to find roommates that are more considerate (is this even likely to be out there?)
Should I just give up and find a place without roommates, because I'm sucky at having discussions?
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September 14th, 2011 - 22:28
Why not run the dishwasher and washing machine right after dinner? Compromise is important but picking your battles may be more important. If these things bother you enough to see a therapist, I would consider moving or adjusting.
krantcents recently posted..20 Interview Questions to Ask Employers
September 14th, 2011 - 23:35
The dishwasher is often run after they eat, watch TV for awhile, and then clean up.
The therapist is more for stress from work, and seeing if I can address some self confidence issues.
The “adjusting” is also part of the purpose of therapist – it would be nice if I simply wasn’t bothered by these things, but I am – if it was easy to decide not to be bothered by them, I would have decided that already, since obviously life is much easier if you never disagree with anyone and therefore avoid ever having a conflict. I’m not sure if that’s realistic and I don’t know that moving will address the issues, since I think disagreements will arise with any roommates, and learning how to handle these and come up with compromises are important.
Remember that you’ve had a lot more years of experience than I have, so what may seem simple to you is something I’m still figuring out and learning. Maybe you could add more detail to your advice to “adjust”?
Also, picking a set time to run the dishwasher is a great compromise – but roommate #1 wasn’t interested in changing zir behavior for any kind of compromise – so how would you suggest working with this type of person to get to a compromise? I imagine that in your 8 careers you have a TON of valuable advice about getting into conflict with all kinds of different personalities.
September 15th, 2011 - 14:43
There are a lot things that still bother me about various things, however I learned to shake them off after a while. That is is what I mean about adjust. Figure out what really bothers you and try various methods to communicate with your roommates. Compromise or look for a solution. You always have the option of moving.
In many of my careers, I was either the boss or an executive with the authority to get things done. It is a lot easier that way. I can work with peers and cooperate too. Look for ways that they can understand your view point. You could bring up the obvious of mutual respect and value each others situation.
krantcents recently posted..Do You Have Decision Fatigue?
September 15th, 2011 - 12:50
I also think having a set time to run the appliances would be a good idea. If someone is unwilling to compromise, then it might be reasonable to move out. I would ask why that solution would not work. Would 8 pm work better? or 7 pm. Surely there is a window of several hours where you could find the time to get both done.
Better yet, just take the dishes in the shower and wash them there.
Just kidding, but good luck with your problem.
cashflowmantra recently posted..Lessons in Diversification
September 15th, 2011 - 18:36
It can be difficult to have a conflict with certain personality type. You probably should find new roommate like #2 after you move. Maybe you just don’t get along with #1′s personality and conflicts will keep cropping up. The best type of roommate are the workaholic that get home around 11pm.
Try the therapist’s method, maybe that would work better. Good luck!
retirebyforty recently posted..My Editor Wants A Raise
September 15th, 2011 - 22:05
I just don’t see the therapist’s method playing out well, but it *is* based on research.
Now roommate 1 just asked me loudly ARE YOU OUT NOW? when I shut the shower off, and then started washing the dishes that have been in the sink since yesterday’s dinner – uhm, a little passive aggressive?
Roommate 2 is a great roommate! I’ve had two roommates like Roommate 1, and never had one like Roommate 2 before. I wonder if there are more #2s out there?
September 16th, 2011 - 13:35
I live with two Roommate #2′s …. I have the perfect roommates. So yes, they are out there.
That said, I think your therapist is right — the same problems will follow you around until you find a way to deal with them. Maybe my roomies aren’t “perfect” — maybe we all learned how to communicate with each other’s personality types before we all met each other. SO working on yourself, and your own communication, paves the road for other Roommate #1′s to turn into Room #2′s in relation to how they interact with you.
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September 19th, 2011 - 13:00
Glad to hear that roommate #2s are not a super rare species.
I’ve also been told that monthly roommate meetings are “essential” for living with other folks – I’m sure it would help our situation where I’m so busy that I don’t see them much, and then when I’m not busy it’s like I have to figure out where I fit into the mix all over again. The next people I live with, I’m going to suggest monthly “talk over a cup of coffee” meetings from the start.
September 17th, 2011 - 02:33
Better to practice your communication skills with roommates than on a signigicant other. The more you practice the better you’ll get at it & the less you’ll feel like brooding over the situation. You don’t want to be building barriers with a spouse or significant other down the road because you didn’t learn to handle these situations. It’s not your fault; you just need practice. Roomies are great for that!
Maggie@SquarePennies recently posted..September: Best Month to Buy a New Car (Plus The Best Used Cars for Your Money)
September 17th, 2011 - 02:38
PS I agree to try the therapist’s way for a while, but be open to other ways that might work too.
Maggie@SquarePennies recently posted..September: Best Month to Buy a New Car (Plus The Best Used Cars for Your Money)
September 17th, 2011 - 09:00
I’d say take this as a challenge and work out your issues with your roommates. Try to find peace no matter how hard the circumstances are.
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September 19th, 2011 - 12:58
I think I will be out of here on December 31st, at the latest, so you’re right, this is a really good “practice” situation. The closer moving out seems, the less important it seems to *deal* with issues, and the easier it is to just ignore them ’til I leave though.
September 17th, 2011 - 13:18
If the tension with your roommate is bugging you, can you just have a cup of coffee with ze and clear the air? It might be uncomfortable, but you two will probably feel much better afterward.
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September 19th, 2011 - 12:57
That’s what grownups would do, but I’m not sure if we’re capable of that. It sounds silly, but I am really nervous of talking to her about anything now, and also, she doesn’t seem interested in fixing any tension, if she’s even noticed it.
September 17th, 2011 - 16:26
Talking…. just talking, and asking opinions. An open approach to asking for solutions to the issue of taking hot showers (which everyone wants) and avoiding conflict and pissed-off roomates (which we assume everyone wants) should be enough motivation for everyone to leave with a compromise. That, and a six-pack of beer to lubricate the negotiations.
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September 19th, 2011 - 12:55
Yeah, roommate #1 is not big into talking with me unless she has something she’s been worrying over that she needs to get off her chest. The last week, every time I walk in she is staring at a video game, and doesn’t even say hi. I find that this lack of small-talk makes it that much more difficult to get into more serious topics of something needing to be changed.
September 17th, 2011 - 18:06
First time commenter here, but have been following your blog since Accounting Elf and really enjoy it.
It’s true that there will always be people who you don’t mesh with, at work or in other settings. Learning how to deal with them is helpful, but the annoyance remains.
I agree with an earlier commenter that you have to pick your battles. I am quiet when I get mad because I’ve learned to cool down before saying anything that I may later regret. However, if whatever happened continues to bother me after the cool down period, then I bring it up for discussion when I am less emotional about it.
People can be clueless, have no mal intent or realize how their behavior can be interpreted as annoying or offensive, so you have to let them know how you perceived the exchange. How you bring up the conversation makes all the difference in the world though. Good luck. Keep trying. It’s important to give people the benefit of the doubt.
September 19th, 2011 - 12:54
We have had some issues that HAD to be dealt with – for example, the roommates watching TV with the volume up high AND the bass speakers on ’til wee hours of the morning. So yes, you pick your battles, but at some point, you have to say something, once the battle has been determined to be worth it. It is much nicer for all of us to live together when we can all get some sleep.
September 19th, 2011 - 12:06
I think by skipping the first steps and jumping right to the request, it could be possible that you’re doing it in a way that makes it seem like you want to boss around your roommates, but for no reason. Like, imagine your roommate came to you out of the blue, kind of annoyed and upset (and maybe angry) and asked if you could start showering in the morning, instead of the evening, but didn’t give a reason. He might think his reason is obvious, but if you don’t see it immediately, it just seems like a controlling request. You know? The explaining is an important part.
From the sounds of it, your roommates seem decent enough, so I’d work on trying to not be annoyed by these little things, or trying to solve them in constructive ways. I think we all have little things that just drive us batty, but if we really think about them, they’re so minor, that, probably, no one else even considers it an issue. (For instance, it drives me CRAZY when people set their cell phones to chirp or buzz every time they get an email or text message, but it’s such a minor thing that if I actually started getting mad and annoyed about it, people would think I was insane, so I’ve just had to learn to let it go.)
Anyway, good for you for trying to work this out, and good luck with your roommates!
September 19th, 2011 - 12:52
Good point! I think I get freaked out about creating too much of a “build up” by explaining all the reasons, but you’re right that, without giving those, it seems like it’s coming out of nowhere. I do try to pick my battles, but the shower thing has been an issue for awhile, and I’ve already pretty much rearranged when I shower because of my roommates deciding my showertime fits their schedule nicely. I can’t blame them for not realizing that I used to shower when they are now showering, but I don’t have many options for when else I can shower because of this. So when they see me walking over with a towel, and pop the dishwasher on anyway, I thought it was time to try to talk about it.
September 20th, 2011 - 17:23
I agree with Melissa @ 12:06 — if you have anxiety about confrontation and therefore present the request as briefly as possible, the unexpectedness of the request may put Roommate 1 on the defensive (some people have an aggressive reaction if startled with what feels like a demand… I am one of those people, but I try to manage it.) The yelling through the door asking whether ze can FINALLY wash some dishes sounds pretty juvenile, though.
Another possibility is that Roommate 1 is a bit of a control freak and hates it when anyone “tells zir what to do”… If presenting some explanation, then making the request doesn’t work, ze might respond more positively if you present the problem as a group issue and ask for suggestions in solving it. Maybe ze would prefer a text around an hour beforehand if you’re coming home late so you can “reserve” your shower time, maybe ze just wants you to stop and restart the dishwasher… It sounds like several options would be fine with you, you just quite reasonably don’t want to stay up an extra hour when you’re already exhausted just to take a shower.
September 21st, 2011 - 07:29
Dont ignore the issue; do face up to the problem or it will fester and make things worse. Compromise is almost always the key to resolving conflict but you would all have to be happy and that you dont feel hard done by the compromise. Dont let things get to you that much that it makes you feel you want to leave or see a therapist. Hey lifes short enjoy it.